Feeling trapped, yearning for freedom

I’m depressed. I feel trapped between two worlds- the natural one I see with my eyes and the invisible realm that believers put their faith in. I see the suffering in the former, but I'm told to be concerned most about the latter. I feel stuck and confused at a crossroads where so many paths seem inviting, but I remain fearful. I’m afraid to commit to those adventures and callings which beckon me to come near because, while they may provide me with meaningful avenues through which I can express my sincere convictions, I suspect they will take me even farther from those I know, love and cherish. But I also realize that my procrastination does not help anyone.

I'm living a dual existence: the hidden one where I express my true thoughts in a psychological exile of anonymity and the public one where I amiably pretend to believe what I now consider incredible. I’m torn. Mainly because I don’t want anyone to suffer- especially because of something I’ve said, done, neglected to do or refused to accept as true. I feel a burning and all-consuming anxiety over what I imagine to be an oncoming and inevitable source of conflict- knowing that a decision must be made soon. I understand that my elusive ambiguity serves only to frustrate and destabilize those closest to me. Yet I am afraid to commit. When I do commit, I fear rejection. I fear rejection, knowing it is the price of speaking honestly and living proactively.

How can one be honest and not be, in some way, agnostic and uncertain about ultimate matters like "God" and eternity? How can we know anything for sure? Why do we seem to prefer comforting and illusory speculations instead of embracing painful and observable facts? I began my journey searching for a more perfect understanding of the ultimate; a trustworthy method to make sure that I was devoting my life and energy to something credible, powerful and real. In the process, I have learned just how deceptive the human mind can be- especially my own. Realizing my own tendency to fool myself makes me suspicious off all others with the capacity to think. Above all, I do not want to delude myself or anyone else.

But no matter how much I try to separate facts from falsehood my humanity seems to get in the way. Seemingly cursed, I feverishly examine endless articles, rabbit-eared books and online resources as I hunt for satisfying answers to enlighten my mind, shed my prejudices, confirm my intuitions and validate the expense of my journey. But I am constantly reminded that my cognitive capacity has limits and I can’t know it all. I just can’t remember everything I come across in my studies. Like heat, the profound insights of underappreciated authors evaporate and become forgotten memories. My prayer is that I can retain what I need for the times when I will need it. That I will be flexible enough to deal with whatever challenges I encounter.

But, despite my limitations, I am left with reality: issues that I have delayed addressing; painful discussions that I try my best to evade; real people whose lives and destinies are intertwined with my own and which are affected by my choices. I try to manage the complexity as gently and as skillfully as I know how. Elusive humor is helpful in cloaking to my honest thoughts. But at some point the uncomfortable laughter needs to stop.

I know that no one is safe from suffering and I have learned to appreciate the small joys of living and to be content and mindful of our mortality. Sadly, I have only grasped this while I have put off dealing with the old burdens that continue to haunt my waking moments.

I don’t fear an apocalyptic end to this life. Instead, I am horrified by the idea that my final breath will escape my body and leave behind a gross misrepresentation of my authentic self before I can summon the nerve to boldly share with all the full view of my soul and thought. I am equally horrified by the notion that expressing my true opinions will disappoint those I adore. This is amplified by the incessant fear that should I decide to publicize my unpopular opinions they may one day prove to be wrong and misguided and I will have done irrevocable damage to minds and hearts.

But this is the risk we must take as fallible beings.

Heaven is no consolation for living a lie. I admire all who have had the courage to come out publicly as their true selves. My heroes are those who refuse to masquerade in forms that cater to the preferences of others. I do not want to die like those considerate and cowardly Enlightenment-era parish priests who masqueraded as defenders of orthodoxy while leaving behind secret diaries confessing their heretical opinions. I want to be known and remembered for who I truly am. Not as a label, but as a honest man.

But I hold on because I believe that freedom will come if I press towards it. Until then, I walk carefully and advance gradually- summoning the spirits of patience, sensitivity and wisdom. Praying that they guide my words and actions because this feels like the fight of my life. .

Writing helps. But only living will bring fulfillment.

Missing in Action

Allow me to explain why I haven’t blogged in a while. Lately, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and reflecting on my next step in life. But there have also been some really good developments lately.

Career wise: I was recently asked to do some freelance writing for my seminary’s alumni magazine (Hey, it’s a start). This is actually my first paid freelance assignment and I am excited about the thought of a career in writing. So far I have written six articles for them. I’ve also been able to secure quite a bit of media exposure for my church and the ministries that I am somewhat connected to.

Family wise: My grandfather is recovering well from the stroke he had back in May. Also, next week I’ll be helping my younger brother move to Cleveland to live with our mother (who has been clean and sober for the past two years).

I would classify all the above as good things. But the creative energy of my mind has been drained by the following issues:

- Wondering how I fit in my church and in my Christian band when my future with both hinges on how we deal with the fact that my current views about God, Jesus and the Bible are quite different from the majority of members.

- Articulating a written credo to clarify my convictions for both for myself and for those closest to me.

- Wondering if I will have sufficient availability and finances to continue my seminary studies this semester.

- Wondering if the cost of my education is worth the emotional and financial tension it is causing to some of my friends and family members.

- Wondering what career I should pursue considering my interests and abilities (journalism, writing, cartooning, ministry, teaching, travelling artist, etc.)

- Figuring out a plan to move from full-time employee to full-time student by January 2008.

- Trying to balance all of my commitments while also starting back on sketching illustrations and producing artwork.

- Wrestling with the theological and philosophical questions and doubts that constantly invade my thoughts.

- The fact that I haven’t really prayed (or believed in the power of prayer) in months.

Right now, these are the things which worry and overwhelm my mind (although I know Jesus said "don't worry"). But I also can’t help but wonder how different (and pathetic) my list must look compared the burdens that others carry as they try to struggle under the threat of death, sickness, war, poverty and abuse. My concerns must seem trifling compared to theirs, but this is honestly where I am and what I am wrestling with. If my creative energies are being misdirected then I hope that I will grow to focus on issues and causes that are more worthy of my attention. Until then I press on and work with what is before me.

I'd rather be a good neighbor

Why are so many of us obsessed with the idea that we need to engage in constant combat with someone or something outside of ourselves? Why do so many of us only find ourselves uniting with others when we share a common enemy? Don’t we realize that this “warrior approach” only demonizes others and makes enemies out of those we are called to love and build relationships with? Have we not noticed our tendency to succumb to the tribal instincts within us that tempt us to classify unique and complex individuals into simplistic categories of “us” and “them”, enemy and ally?

Over the years I have heard many “church folk” talk excitedly about being either a prayer warrior, a soldier in the army of the Lord, or bearing the armor of God in battle with the spiritual forces of darkness. I realize that this is metaphorical language that uses military terms to communicate spiritual ideas. But I think many believers have literalized these terms and have adopted a tribal view of the world where those who are different from them are seen as enemies that need to be conquered, colonized, condemned or converted.

Over the last few weeks I finally realized two important things about myself. First off, I’m not at all interested in being a warrior. I would rather devote my energies towards being a good neighbor. I would rather live my life as someone who is humble before mystery, helpful towards others and honest with myself.

I think that is what the needs of the world call for. I don’t think anything fruitful can come from bloody battles in the name of terror and territory. If anything, I think the most important battles that we need to engage in are those psychological ones taking place in our own minds between the selfless and selfish aspects of our thoughts and actions.

Don’t get me wrong. I have seen enough to convince me that evil "walks the earth" as a real and destructive force in the world, but I don't consider it to be a cosmic being nor do I think we can vanquish it by destroying it or those who commit acts of cruelty towards others. I see evil as a manifestation of the dark sides of our own personalities and an energy that needs to be redirected into something constructive.

When I look at how modern nations seek to deal with the threat of terrorism, I notice that we spend too much energy dealing with the symptoms and not enough energy dealing with the root causes of what makes a terrorist. If they are hungry, they need bowls not bombs. If they are resentful and hurt, the last thing they need is for us to kill them or their loved ones and give them yet another justified reason to hate us. We are foolish to think that we can eliminate the threat of terrorism by becoming terrorists ourselves.

I am amazed by the fact that in our interconnected world community there are those of us who continue to believe that killing and torturing other people will make us more secure. I don’t think warriors have what it takes to vanquish terrorism. Weapons of force and intimidation are ultimately powerless when it comes to changing the human heart. Instead, I believe that our hearts of stone will only be softened by acts of compassion, empathy, hospitality, mercy and forgiveness. These are the “weapons” of the neighbor- the only weapons that can bring healing.

The second thing I realized about myself that I am more interested in having conversations than forcing conversions. The conversations I enjoy are not those that seek to manipulate and defeat others, but those which serve as opportunities to learn about others. Mind you, I think conversion (a change of mind and heart) is very often a good thing. But the decision to convert should be an individual’s free choice, not the result of manipulation or compulsion. We can’t change or control people’s minds or behaviors. We can only be ourselves and hope that in doing so we can influence others in constructive ways.

I think, in most cases, warriors and neighbors both seek to make the world a better place. But I don’t think that any good will come from efforts to dehumanize or destroy those who see life from a different perspective than we do. I guess it boils down to at least two very different ways of interacting with those we consider strangers. If we are focused on being neighbors then we will likely view strangers as new people to meet and experience. On the other hand, if we are focused on being warriors then it seems we will fear strangers as see them as threats that need to be eliminated.

I don’t believe any of us have the right to condemn or destroy anyone else. This is my conviction even though the Bible contains many different and sometimes conflicting images of God which would seem to say otherwise. But when I read the Gospel stories I find Jesus encouraging his listeners to love God and be merciful neighbors, not merciless warriors. Jesus sent his disciples (students) out into the world as vulnerable sheep amongst vicious wolves, arming themselves only with love, and commanding them to be as "wise as a serpent and as harmless as a dove" (Matthew 10:16).

Why am I writing this?

Hello,
I am an artist with a voice that I have kept silent for too long. I am an aspiring editorial cartoonist, writer, poet, musician and seminary student trying to find my way. I am finally starting this online journal after being prodded by caring mentors and close friends who have suggested that I start writing down my thoughts, insights, reflections and questions about life, faith, mystery, meaning, and reality.

Here, you will find my artwork and poetry, my reflections on faith, my opinions on current events, my reviews of things I've experienced, and my interviews with people I find interesting.

I don't know if anyone will ever find this, read this or appreciate this, but I am largely writing this for myself and my own sanity...a practical way to work things out in my mind and relieve the tensions in my heart. I only hope that if you have found your way here that you might be able to take away something that will prove useful for your own personal journey.

So, with that said, this is just the beginning. This is new territory for me and I am feeling my way through alot of this. I am eager to see what I discover about the universe around me and within me.

Please feel free to share your comments and thoughts.