Friday, January 30, 2009
Coming Out as an Agnostic (pt. 3): The Disappointment
Click here for Part 3 of my "Coming Out as an Agnostic" series.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Coming Out as an Agnostic (Pt. 2): Opening Up Slowly
ACT I
Scene 2:
In the car, on the way to work on a chilly morning, 9:07 a.m.
A discussion from the previous night is revisited during an in-depth telephone conversation between a devout Christian wife and her secretly agnostic husband. The husband calls the wife on her phone after dropping their child off at their daycare provider’s house.
HUSBAND:
“Houston, we have ‘drop-off’.”
WIFE:
“Cool. How did she do?”
HUSBAND:
“She did good. She was a little clingy at first, but once she saw all her friends she was fine.”
WIFE:
“Good. Good...[pause]
You on your way to work now?”
HUSBAND:
“Yeah, I’m about 15 minutes away… [pause]
By the way…Did we really have that conversation last night or did I dream that?”
WIFE:
“Conversation about what?”
HUSBAND:
“I don’t know…something about my iPhone and me not reading the Bible anymore?”
WIFE:
[Giggling]
“Oh yeah…Yes, that was real. That wasn’t a dream.”
HUSBAND:
[Laughing] “Okay. I was about to say... [Regains composure]
Well, I just want you to know that just because I don’t read the Bible like I used to it doesn’t mean that I don’t think about all the time.”
WIFE:
“Really?”
HUSBAND:
“Yeah. I actually have plenty of verses, passages and stories from the Bible that float through my head on a daily basis. I think about them and reflect on ‘em pretty often.”
WIFE:
“For real? I didn’t know that.”
HUSBAND:
“Yeah. I mean….You know I always liked reading the gospel stories about Jesus and his parables. Those are real simple, short stories anyway and the type that you don’t necessarily need to read over and over in order to think deeply about them. I find a lot of wisdom in those stories and, in many ways, their insights still direct me. Some of those stories stick with you...so it’s not like I’ve forgotten them.”
WIFE:
“Oh, okay. That’s good to hear.”
HUSBAND:
“And I’m definitely not an atheist.”
WIFE:
[Pauses before responding]
“Hold on for a second...Hey, I forgot…
I’ve got my mom on the other line.”
HUSBAND:
“Oh? Well, can you tell her you’ll call her back?...This is getting good.”
WIFE:
“Okay, I will. Hold on.”
[insert 15 second pause]
WIFE:
[clicks back over]
“Okay, I’m back...Now, what were you saying?”
HUSBAND:
“Is your mom okay?”
WIFE:
“Yeah, she’s dealing with some serious stuff too. But we can keep talking.”
HUSBAND:
“Cool.”
WIFE:
“Now, back to what you were saying.”
HUSBAND:
“I was just saying that you don’t have to worry. I’m not an atheist…
Being an atheist is too much of an exclamation point for me. I’m more of a…I don’t know…I guess you could say I’m more of a question mark. I’ve got questions about everything. That’s why you tease me for being so nerdy because you always see me reading books, encyclopedias and magazine articles about all kinds of subjects. That’s why my bookshelf is loaded with books on topics like science, mythology, psychology, evolution, history and religion. I’m interested in all of these things.”
WIFE:
“Such a nerd.”
HUSBAND:
[Laughing]
“Well, I’m just exploring all of these topics because I’m trying hard to find out what’s really true and also because- even though I respect them- I just don’t trust a lot of what people say about God and the Bible. I guess I mainly struggle with how and why different people interpret and understand the Bible the way they do. You know what I mean?”
WIFE:
“I feel you.”
HUSBAND:
“I also wonder why different people focus on different aspects of what the Bible says...It’s actually kinda funny when you think about how some of the same people who say they ‘live by the book’ still manage to be pretty selective about which parts of the book they want to apply to their lives. I mean...lots of people stress the part where Jesus says ‘I’m the way, the truth, the life’ but you don't find a lot of people who take Jesus' words that seriously when he says something like ‘sell your possessions and give to the poor.’”
WIFE:
[Laughing]
"Right!”
HUSBAND:
“I mean...Don't get me wrong. We all do it. We each have our favorite parts that mean more to us than others. I know I do...If I had my choice, I’d much rather read the parables of Jesus while some others would rather spend time reading the letters of Paul. It just depends on the person, you know?”
WIFE:
“True, true.”
HUSBAND:
“And- unlike the people living in biblical times- nowadays, we have access to all kinds of writings from cultures all over the world: Native American...Middle Eastern...Asian...African...These writings show how different cultures throughout history understood the world and how they tried to explain those things to their people...Most of them even have their own creation stories and mythologies that they were raised with- just like how many of us were raised with the Bible’s creation story of Adam and Eve.”
WIFE:
“Oh, okay.”
HUSBAND:
“But I also struggle with what people say about God. I mean…you ever notice how many people talk about “God told me this” or “God called me to do that?”
WIFE:
“Yeah. Lots of people say stuff like that. It's kinda like those terrorists who blow up themselves and other people because they believe God told them to to do that. I'm like, ‘Is God telling you to do that or are you doing what you want to do and just saying that you are doing it in God’s name?’”
HUSBAND:
“Exactly! That’s what I’ve been saying! How do you know what’s true unless you investigate? And you hear people say things like this all the time. Pastors- both the liberal and conservative ones- say things like ‘God likes this’ or ‘God wants that’ all the time. I just sit there and think to myself, ‘Really? How do you know?’ That's why I got tired of the pastors at our old church always introducing preachers by asking, 'What word from the Lord do you have for us today?' I've talked with pastors who say that 'The Holy Spirit' gives them their sermon ideas- like they're not just sharing their own opinions on a subject. They give you their opinions on politics or on what the Bible says and then say that what they think is what God thinks? You mean to tell me that their personality is not going to come out in the sermon? C'mon. Seriously?"
WIFE:
“I know what you mean.”
[End of Scene 2]
[Sensing an empathetic ear, the husband begins to feel pretty good about the overall relationship with his wife, especially in regards to their communication about religious matters. He wants to continue to open up and share even more about his personal views. And while he doesn't want to jump to conclusions, he is beginning to wonder if his Christian wife may actually have a secret to share with him as well.]
To be continued...
Scene 2:
In the car, on the way to work on a chilly morning, 9:07 a.m.
A discussion from the previous night is revisited during an in-depth telephone conversation between a devout Christian wife and her secretly agnostic husband. The husband calls the wife on her phone after dropping their child off at their daycare provider’s house.
HUSBAND:
“Houston, we have ‘drop-off’.”
WIFE:
“Cool. How did she do?”
HUSBAND:
“She did good. She was a little clingy at first, but once she saw all her friends she was fine.”
WIFE:
“Good. Good...[pause]
You on your way to work now?”
HUSBAND:
“Yeah, I’m about 15 minutes away… [pause]
By the way…Did we really have that conversation last night or did I dream that?”
WIFE:
“Conversation about what?”
HUSBAND:
“I don’t know…something about my iPhone and me not reading the Bible anymore?”
WIFE:
[Giggling]
“Oh yeah…Yes, that was real. That wasn’t a dream.”
HUSBAND:
[Laughing] “Okay. I was about to say... [Regains composure]
Well, I just want you to know that just because I don’t read the Bible like I used to it doesn’t mean that I don’t think about all the time.”
WIFE:
“Really?”
HUSBAND:
“Yeah. I actually have plenty of verses, passages and stories from the Bible that float through my head on a daily basis. I think about them and reflect on ‘em pretty often.”
WIFE:
“For real? I didn’t know that.”
HUSBAND:
“Yeah. I mean….You know I always liked reading the gospel stories about Jesus and his parables. Those are real simple, short stories anyway and the type that you don’t necessarily need to read over and over in order to think deeply about them. I find a lot of wisdom in those stories and, in many ways, their insights still direct me. Some of those stories stick with you...so it’s not like I’ve forgotten them.”
WIFE:
“Oh, okay. That’s good to hear.”
HUSBAND:
“And I’m definitely not an atheist.”
WIFE:
[Pauses before responding]
“Hold on for a second...Hey, I forgot…
I’ve got my mom on the other line.”
HUSBAND:
“Oh? Well, can you tell her you’ll call her back?...This is getting good.”
WIFE:
“Okay, I will. Hold on.”
[insert 15 second pause]
WIFE:
[clicks back over]
“Okay, I’m back...Now, what were you saying?”
HUSBAND:
“Is your mom okay?”
WIFE:
“Yeah, she’s dealing with some serious stuff too. But we can keep talking.”
HUSBAND:
“Cool.”
WIFE:
“Now, back to what you were saying.”
HUSBAND:
“I was just saying that you don’t have to worry. I’m not an atheist…
Being an atheist is too much of an exclamation point for me. I’m more of a…I don’t know…I guess you could say I’m more of a question mark. I’ve got questions about everything. That’s why you tease me for being so nerdy because you always see me reading books, encyclopedias and magazine articles about all kinds of subjects. That’s why my bookshelf is loaded with books on topics like science, mythology, psychology, evolution, history and religion. I’m interested in all of these things.”
WIFE:
“Such a nerd.”
HUSBAND:
[Laughing]
“Well, I’m just exploring all of these topics because I’m trying hard to find out what’s really true and also because- even though I respect them- I just don’t trust a lot of what people say about God and the Bible. I guess I mainly struggle with how and why different people interpret and understand the Bible the way they do. You know what I mean?”
WIFE:
“I feel you.”
HUSBAND:
“I also wonder why different people focus on different aspects of what the Bible says...It’s actually kinda funny when you think about how some of the same people who say they ‘live by the book’ still manage to be pretty selective about which parts of the book they want to apply to their lives. I mean...lots of people stress the part where Jesus says ‘I’m the way, the truth, the life’ but you don't find a lot of people who take Jesus' words that seriously when he says something like ‘sell your possessions and give to the poor.’”
WIFE:
[Laughing]
"Right!”
HUSBAND:
“I mean...Don't get me wrong. We all do it. We each have our favorite parts that mean more to us than others. I know I do...If I had my choice, I’d much rather read the parables of Jesus while some others would rather spend time reading the letters of Paul. It just depends on the person, you know?”
WIFE:
“True, true.”
HUSBAND:
“And- unlike the people living in biblical times- nowadays, we have access to all kinds of writings from cultures all over the world: Native American...Middle Eastern...Asian...African...These writings show how different cultures throughout history understood the world and how they tried to explain those things to their people...Most of them even have their own creation stories and mythologies that they were raised with- just like how many of us were raised with the Bible’s creation story of Adam and Eve.”
WIFE:
“Oh, okay.”
HUSBAND:
“But I also struggle with what people say about God. I mean…you ever notice how many people talk about “God told me this” or “God called me to do that?”
WIFE:
“Yeah. Lots of people say stuff like that. It's kinda like those terrorists who blow up themselves and other people because they believe God told them to to do that. I'm like, ‘Is God telling you to do that or are you doing what you want to do and just saying that you are doing it in God’s name?’”
HUSBAND:
“Exactly! That’s what I’ve been saying! How do you know what’s true unless you investigate? And you hear people say things like this all the time. Pastors- both the liberal and conservative ones- say things like ‘God likes this’ or ‘God wants that’ all the time. I just sit there and think to myself, ‘Really? How do you know?’ That's why I got tired of the pastors at our old church always introducing preachers by asking, 'What word from the Lord do you have for us today?' I've talked with pastors who say that 'The Holy Spirit' gives them their sermon ideas- like they're not just sharing their own opinions on a subject. They give you their opinions on politics or on what the Bible says and then say that what they think is what God thinks? You mean to tell me that their personality is not going to come out in the sermon? C'mon. Seriously?"
WIFE:
“I know what you mean.”
[End of Scene 2]
[Sensing an empathetic ear, the husband begins to feel pretty good about the overall relationship with his wife, especially in regards to their communication about religious matters. He wants to continue to open up and share even more about his personal views. And while he doesn't want to jump to conclusions, he is beginning to wonder if his Christian wife may actually have a secret to share with him as well.]
To be continued...
Friday, January 16, 2009
Coming Out as an Agnostic: Awkward pillow talk
ACT I
SCENE 1:
The master bedroom, 11:53 p.m. on a sub-zero, Midwestern night.
A devout Christian wife and her secretly agnostic husband engage in the type of late-night pillow talk in which one spouse can easily implicate themselves or inadvertently insult their partner because only one of them is alert enough to participate in a coherent conversation. The husband is already asleep in bed. The wife enters the room and begins tinkering with the husband’s fancy iPhone.]
WIFE:
“Oh, you downloaded the Bible onto your iPhone? That’s cool!”
HUSBAND:
[Waking up] “Huh?...Yeah...I just did that today. I’ve been meaning to put it on there, but I never made the time to do it.”
WIFE:
"Cool. How did you get it on there?"
HUSBAND:
"I just downloaded it from the Apps Store onto my phone."
WIFE:
"Good. I was beginning to think you were turning into an atheist."
HUSBAND:
"Really? What made you think that?"
[His eyes open wide with shock without WIFE noticing while he laughs semi-nervously as if to dismiss a ridiculous idea.]
[Insert awkward moment of silence]
WIFE:
"Because I never see you read the Bible anymore. I just haven't said anything but it was really starting to make me nervous."
HUSBAND:
"Don’t worry. I’m not an atheist…"
[In the attempt to be sensitive to the underlying concern behind her statements, he stops abruptly and fights the temptation to volunteer more information…]
[insert second awkward moment of silence]
HUSBAND:
"Would you like to start reading the Bible together? Maybe starting with the Song of Solomon? I know you said that you’ve been wanting for the two of us to read it together. What do you…?
WIFE:
[Interjecting enthusiastically as if relieved] "Yes!...yes…please."
HUSBAND:
"Okay. We'll do that."
[Feeling like he has just half-heartedly committed to something he is not excited about, he then rolls over, turns off the bedside lamp and goes to sleep- somewhat relieved yet fearful of more discomforting conversations to come.]
To be continued…
SCENE 1:
The master bedroom, 11:53 p.m. on a sub-zero, Midwestern night.
A devout Christian wife and her secretly agnostic husband engage in the type of late-night pillow talk in which one spouse can easily implicate themselves or inadvertently insult their partner because only one of them is alert enough to participate in a coherent conversation. The husband is already asleep in bed. The wife enters the room and begins tinkering with the husband’s fancy iPhone.]
WIFE:
“Oh, you downloaded the Bible onto your iPhone? That’s cool!”
HUSBAND:
[Waking up] “Huh?...Yeah...I just did that today. I’ve been meaning to put it on there, but I never made the time to do it.”
WIFE:
"Cool. How did you get it on there?"
HUSBAND:
"I just downloaded it from the Apps Store onto my phone."
WIFE:
"Good. I was beginning to think you were turning into an atheist."
HUSBAND:
"Really? What made you think that?"
[His eyes open wide with shock without WIFE noticing while he laughs semi-nervously as if to dismiss a ridiculous idea.]
[Insert awkward moment of silence]
WIFE:
"Because I never see you read the Bible anymore. I just haven't said anything but it was really starting to make me nervous."
HUSBAND:
"Don’t worry. I’m not an atheist…"
[In the attempt to be sensitive to the underlying concern behind her statements, he stops abruptly and fights the temptation to volunteer more information…]
[insert second awkward moment of silence]
HUSBAND:
"Would you like to start reading the Bible together? Maybe starting with the Song of Solomon? I know you said that you’ve been wanting for the two of us to read it together. What do you…?
WIFE:
[Interjecting enthusiastically as if relieved] "Yes!...yes…please."
HUSBAND:
"Okay. We'll do that."
[Feeling like he has just half-heartedly committed to something he is not excited about, he then rolls over, turns off the bedside lamp and goes to sleep- somewhat relieved yet fearful of more discomforting conversations to come.]
To be continued…
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Demons...Really?
Have you ever heard bizarre, nonhuman screams coming from the other room? Have you ever had that eerie feeling in the waking hours where your mind is alert but a heavy pressure on your body prevents you from moving? Have you ever felt a haunting presence closing in on you under the cloak of night? Have you ever done something “sinful” in the privacy of your bedroom only to wake up the next morning to a prayerful parent telling you that they sensed a fierce clash between angels and demons was taking place somewhere in the house the night before?
If you have, I’d love to hear more details about your experience.
But if you haven’t, you are not alone.
I haven’t either.
However, I know many who have had such experiences and the sincere conviction in which they retell their accounts leaves me to wonder.
Just last week, I went to hang out and catch up with a small group of my Christian friends. My friends are complex individuals with memories full of profound experiences who would describe themselves as Bible-believing, orthodox Christian, conservative evangelicals. They are committed creationists and faithful servants to their understanding of God and the Bible. They are compassionate and thoughtful individuals who are skeptical toward the views of nonbelievers, mystics, New-Age types, self-help authors, right-wing fundamentalists, cults, liberals, televangelists, mega-church leaders who advance “the prosperity gospel” and all who accept the theory of evolution. And there was a time, not long ago, when I would describe myself in similar terms.
Over the past seven years, many of us have grown close by working on service projects together. We have participated in each others’ development into dependable friends, mature husbands and responsible fathers.
But over the years, some of us began to depart from the majority opinion and pursue more unorthodox pathways of fulfillment. I don’t think any of us were surprised by this. Even in our early bible study conversations years ago, one could hear subtle hints indicating that some of us thought about God and life’s purpose just a little differently than the rest of the group. These differences would only become more pronounced over time.
During our most recent gathering together, we joked around for an hour or so about random topics such as local job cuts, our kids, the Obama administration and the latest entertainment news. But as the evening progressed, the discussion topics became far more serious as some of my friends began to share stories about their encounters with—of all things—demons.
It began with one person’s off-handed joke about demon possession until, soon, everyone in the room, one-by-one, began chiming in with stories of their own encounters with what they believed to be demonic forces.
It was as if a line was being drawn in the sand and I found myself on the other side of it. Like an outside observer, I watched as my friends reaffirmed their fellowship with similar experiences. As the stories were told, I heard phrases like, “You too!” and “Yeah, that’s the worst.”
The situation was awkward and I couldn’t help but to be cynical; silently questioning both their judgment and my own. How ironic was it that these individuals who sat before me sharing their personal encounters with demonic forces also happen to skeptical and distrusting of the scientific method? How ironic was it that these individuals who believe in demons also told me that they cannot accept evolution with any confidence because it leaves too much unexplained? Functioning with their assumptions about reality, I’d think some invisible and benevolent force controlled my sudden urge to fire off a witty and obnoxious remark pointing out the obvious, double standard here.
I couldn’t believe we were having this discussion. But I listened.
When someone tells me about a demonic encounter they have experienced my first reaction is to place that person firmly in the crazy category. But part of me neither wants to dismiss their stories nor the conviction in which they tell them because they may be indicative of a deeper, psychological reality to which I should pay close attention. Of course, this is an area beyond my expertise and again I am left only to wonder and ask questions.
I struggle with the fact that the Bible has plenty of stories similar to the ones my friends shared that night as its pages frequently describe a supernatural, otherworldly realm beyond sensory comprehension. The noble and appealing character of Jesus is easy to embrace when you focus primarily on his paradigm-challenging command to love one's enemies and his creative parables about the prodigal son, the persistent widow and the Good Samaritan.
But the New Testament doesn’t stop there. It seems to me that in order to embrace this Jesus—according to the New Testament—one must also profess belief in a strange, spirit world where angelic and demonic forces wage a constant and invisible war for the eternal souls of human beings. To embrace this Jesus—according to many biblical texts—it seems that one must also accept the ideas that demons can possess human beings; that certain individuals can wield miraculous powers and perform miracles that defy the laws of gravity and physics; and that a personal God exists and is capable to speaking to and through selected prophets.
When I read what the gospels say about Jesus of Nazareth, I find an inspiring figure that said and did many admirable things throughout his final years. But if I am required to believe and defend far-fetched ideas and speculations about a spiritual realm in order to follow the way of Jesus, then Christianity is a pill that I cannot swallow.
At this point in my life, I don’t believe in a Devil, Satan, demons, evil spirits, or any sort of personalized beings of incarnated evil. However, I do believe that humanity has a dark side; a selfish part of us that desires to satiate our unbridled appetites without considering the needs of others; a dangerous part of us inclined to hate out of ignorance and to kill out of fear; a susceptible part of us easily possessed by the spirits of indifference and apathy. And as mysterious as human evil is, I suspect this dark side of our existence has a biological and naturalistic explanation instead of a supernatural one. I suspect we can find more explanation for the origins of this dark side in the reptilian remnants of our brains than we can find in the tempting suggestions of a mythological serpent.
I find enough in the natural world to be afraid of than for me to occupy time and energy worrying about realms unknown, unseen and—dare I say—imaginary. I have more fear that a stray bullet will interrupt my earthly existence than that any demon would ever attack, influence or possess me.
Interestingly, some would posit one of those circular, conversation-ending arguments claiming that someone who doesn’t believe in demons is not able to believe because they are already under a demonic influence. I have no patience for that kind of exchange.
You can call it what you want, label me however and rely on whichever authority you find trustworthy in this dynamic and ever-changing thing called life. I’m going to try to make sense out of this the only way I know how: by continuing to ask the questions and pursuing explanations to the mysteries.
If you have, I’d love to hear more details about your experience.
But if you haven’t, you are not alone.
I haven’t either.
However, I know many who have had such experiences and the sincere conviction in which they retell their accounts leaves me to wonder.
Just last week, I went to hang out and catch up with a small group of my Christian friends. My friends are complex individuals with memories full of profound experiences who would describe themselves as Bible-believing, orthodox Christian, conservative evangelicals. They are committed creationists and faithful servants to their understanding of God and the Bible. They are compassionate and thoughtful individuals who are skeptical toward the views of nonbelievers, mystics, New-Age types, self-help authors, right-wing fundamentalists, cults, liberals, televangelists, mega-church leaders who advance “the prosperity gospel” and all who accept the theory of evolution. And there was a time, not long ago, when I would describe myself in similar terms.
Over the past seven years, many of us have grown close by working on service projects together. We have participated in each others’ development into dependable friends, mature husbands and responsible fathers.
But over the years, some of us began to depart from the majority opinion and pursue more unorthodox pathways of fulfillment. I don’t think any of us were surprised by this. Even in our early bible study conversations years ago, one could hear subtle hints indicating that some of us thought about God and life’s purpose just a little differently than the rest of the group. These differences would only become more pronounced over time.
During our most recent gathering together, we joked around for an hour or so about random topics such as local job cuts, our kids, the Obama administration and the latest entertainment news. But as the evening progressed, the discussion topics became far more serious as some of my friends began to share stories about their encounters with—of all things—demons.
It began with one person’s off-handed joke about demon possession until, soon, everyone in the room, one-by-one, began chiming in with stories of their own encounters with what they believed to be demonic forces.
It was as if a line was being drawn in the sand and I found myself on the other side of it. Like an outside observer, I watched as my friends reaffirmed their fellowship with similar experiences. As the stories were told, I heard phrases like, “You too!” and “Yeah, that’s the worst.”
The situation was awkward and I couldn’t help but to be cynical; silently questioning both their judgment and my own. How ironic was it that these individuals who sat before me sharing their personal encounters with demonic forces also happen to skeptical and distrusting of the scientific method? How ironic was it that these individuals who believe in demons also told me that they cannot accept evolution with any confidence because it leaves too much unexplained? Functioning with their assumptions about reality, I’d think some invisible and benevolent force controlled my sudden urge to fire off a witty and obnoxious remark pointing out the obvious, double standard here.
I couldn’t believe we were having this discussion. But I listened.
When someone tells me about a demonic encounter they have experienced my first reaction is to place that person firmly in the crazy category. But part of me neither wants to dismiss their stories nor the conviction in which they tell them because they may be indicative of a deeper, psychological reality to which I should pay close attention. Of course, this is an area beyond my expertise and again I am left only to wonder and ask questions.
I struggle with the fact that the Bible has plenty of stories similar to the ones my friends shared that night as its pages frequently describe a supernatural, otherworldly realm beyond sensory comprehension. The noble and appealing character of Jesus is easy to embrace when you focus primarily on his paradigm-challenging command to love one's enemies and his creative parables about the prodigal son, the persistent widow and the Good Samaritan.
But the New Testament doesn’t stop there. It seems to me that in order to embrace this Jesus—according to the New Testament—one must also profess belief in a strange, spirit world where angelic and demonic forces wage a constant and invisible war for the eternal souls of human beings. To embrace this Jesus—according to many biblical texts—it seems that one must also accept the ideas that demons can possess human beings; that certain individuals can wield miraculous powers and perform miracles that defy the laws of gravity and physics; and that a personal God exists and is capable to speaking to and through selected prophets.
When I read what the gospels say about Jesus of Nazareth, I find an inspiring figure that said and did many admirable things throughout his final years. But if I am required to believe and defend far-fetched ideas and speculations about a spiritual realm in order to follow the way of Jesus, then Christianity is a pill that I cannot swallow.
At this point in my life, I don’t believe in a Devil, Satan, demons, evil spirits, or any sort of personalized beings of incarnated evil. However, I do believe that humanity has a dark side; a selfish part of us that desires to satiate our unbridled appetites without considering the needs of others; a dangerous part of us inclined to hate out of ignorance and to kill out of fear; a susceptible part of us easily possessed by the spirits of indifference and apathy. And as mysterious as human evil is, I suspect this dark side of our existence has a biological and naturalistic explanation instead of a supernatural one. I suspect we can find more explanation for the origins of this dark side in the reptilian remnants of our brains than we can find in the tempting suggestions of a mythological serpent.
I find enough in the natural world to be afraid of than for me to occupy time and energy worrying about realms unknown, unseen and—dare I say—imaginary. I have more fear that a stray bullet will interrupt my earthly existence than that any demon would ever attack, influence or possess me.
Interestingly, some would posit one of those circular, conversation-ending arguments claiming that someone who doesn’t believe in demons is not able to believe because they are already under a demonic influence. I have no patience for that kind of exchange.
You can call it what you want, label me however and rely on whichever authority you find trustworthy in this dynamic and ever-changing thing called life. I’m going to try to make sense out of this the only way I know how: by continuing to ask the questions and pursuing explanations to the mysteries.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Heaven? I sure as hell hope it exists
Chances are I probably won’t make it to Heaven with you. You see, I’m not sure I believe in it anymore, but I sure as hell hope it exists.
While I like the thought of Heaven, I’ve personally never been too attached to the idea. I mean that to say, the idea of Heaven as a rewarding afterlife was not what attracted me to the gospel.
I came to Christianity because I was a teenage dreamer looking for guidance. More than wanting to know how to be “saved” I wanted to know how I was supposed to live.
As a teenager, I was moved by Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.’s earth-bound, Jesus-inspired message of love, liberation and disciplined nonviolence and inspired by Bob Marley’s captivating sound and prophetic, First Testament-infused lyrics. Other than the charity-focused hymnals of my Catholic school’s weekly masses, these two influential individuals were the chief sources that planted the seeds which led to my eventual interest in both Christianity and the Bible. They each eft indelible imprints on my understanding of life’s purpose and love’s power.
It was only after those initial introductions to the Christian faith that I began to think more about this place called Heaven. All my life I have had a hard time wrapping my mind around something as inexpressible as eternity. Sister Mary Ann, the Catholic nun who taught my fifth grade elementary school class, used to warn us not to worry our 11-year-old minds obsessing about either the beginning of the universe or the idea of eternity. She jokingly warned us that focusing too much on either extreme would surely drive us mad. How easily and often we toss around words like ‘forever’ and phrases like ‘until the end of time’ without really understanding the overwhelming weight of those concepts.
If you ask me, I think those concepts are beyond human comprehension. Which is why I have found it easier to focus on the world that I can experience with my physical senses. Even in my teenage years my prayers were frequent and repetitive requests for direction, protection and blessing as I walked these earthly roads.
I just don’t like dwelling on matters of excessive speculation- especially if there is no real way to investigate such matters. Contrary to popular belief, I don’t know of any human being who has ever died, gone to Heaven and returned to talk about it on Earth (But I’d love to hear any stories you might have).
But despite my reservations about Heaven, I can understand why getting there means so much to so many people- as evidenced by both ancient and modern belief systems that have focused much of their content on finding ways to get there. Life on earth can be difficult and hard. Not even Jesus could dodge the fact that people would suffer troubles and experience hurt during their stay here.
I suspect that most religions were born out of attempts to figure out how best to live in a world where pain and death were inevitable. In the face of such circumstances, it could even be said that the idea of Heaven is a display of religious genius.
Surely the idea of an eternal realm of rest, abundance and luxury means a lot to those who have experienced the horrors of injustice, scarcity and torture.
Surely the image of a place where every tear will be wiped away is very powerful and comforting one for us humans who are hard-wired for heartbreak.
Surely the thought of a place where we who have survived thus far can be reunited and reconciled with our loved ones who have “gone on to glory” sounds every bit like right- and may even keep us from going insane. I recall that shortly after the untimely death of his father, a close friend of mine told me that if he himself didn’t believe that he would someday see his father again in Heaven he thought he would lose his mind. The thought of Heaven helps him hold it all together. Without it, many of us would lose hope.
I understand this. Perhaps similar ideas have helped to bring the human species to where it is now.
I want to believe in a place like that. I really do. And maybe I haven’t been able to embrace it completely because I have yet to feel a pain that was deep enough.
Personally, I fear that too much focus on the hereafter cheapens and depreciates life in the here-and-now. I believe that obsessing about what will happen to us when our bodies stop breathing only robs us of the precious moments we are privileged to spend with each other. I don’t like worrying about things I can’t do anything about. But I know I can do something now…as long as I have breath.
I may not believe in Heaven anymore (and believe me, I would love to be surprised) but I swear that I will give you all that I have until the day of our departure.
To where…I don’t know.
While I like the thought of Heaven, I’ve personally never been too attached to the idea. I mean that to say, the idea of Heaven as a rewarding afterlife was not what attracted me to the gospel.
I came to Christianity because I was a teenage dreamer looking for guidance. More than wanting to know how to be “saved” I wanted to know how I was supposed to live.
As a teenager, I was moved by Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.’s earth-bound, Jesus-inspired message of love, liberation and disciplined nonviolence and inspired by Bob Marley’s captivating sound and prophetic, First Testament-infused lyrics. Other than the charity-focused hymnals of my Catholic school’s weekly masses, these two influential individuals were the chief sources that planted the seeds which led to my eventual interest in both Christianity and the Bible. They each eft indelible imprints on my understanding of life’s purpose and love’s power.
It was only after those initial introductions to the Christian faith that I began to think more about this place called Heaven. All my life I have had a hard time wrapping my mind around something as inexpressible as eternity. Sister Mary Ann, the Catholic nun who taught my fifth grade elementary school class, used to warn us not to worry our 11-year-old minds obsessing about either the beginning of the universe or the idea of eternity. She jokingly warned us that focusing too much on either extreme would surely drive us mad. How easily and often we toss around words like ‘forever’ and phrases like ‘until the end of time’ without really understanding the overwhelming weight of those concepts.
If you ask me, I think those concepts are beyond human comprehension. Which is why I have found it easier to focus on the world that I can experience with my physical senses. Even in my teenage years my prayers were frequent and repetitive requests for direction, protection and blessing as I walked these earthly roads.
I just don’t like dwelling on matters of excessive speculation- especially if there is no real way to investigate such matters. Contrary to popular belief, I don’t know of any human being who has ever died, gone to Heaven and returned to talk about it on Earth (But I’d love to hear any stories you might have).
But despite my reservations about Heaven, I can understand why getting there means so much to so many people- as evidenced by both ancient and modern belief systems that have focused much of their content on finding ways to get there. Life on earth can be difficult and hard. Not even Jesus could dodge the fact that people would suffer troubles and experience hurt during their stay here.
I suspect that most religions were born out of attempts to figure out how best to live in a world where pain and death were inevitable. In the face of such circumstances, it could even be said that the idea of Heaven is a display of religious genius.
Surely the idea of an eternal realm of rest, abundance and luxury means a lot to those who have experienced the horrors of injustice, scarcity and torture.
Surely the image of a place where every tear will be wiped away is very powerful and comforting one for us humans who are hard-wired for heartbreak.
Surely the thought of a place where we who have survived thus far can be reunited and reconciled with our loved ones who have “gone on to glory” sounds every bit like right- and may even keep us from going insane. I recall that shortly after the untimely death of his father, a close friend of mine told me that if he himself didn’t believe that he would someday see his father again in Heaven he thought he would lose his mind. The thought of Heaven helps him hold it all together. Without it, many of us would lose hope.
I understand this. Perhaps similar ideas have helped to bring the human species to where it is now.
I want to believe in a place like that. I really do. And maybe I haven’t been able to embrace it completely because I have yet to feel a pain that was deep enough.
Personally, I fear that too much focus on the hereafter cheapens and depreciates life in the here-and-now. I believe that obsessing about what will happen to us when our bodies stop breathing only robs us of the precious moments we are privileged to spend with each other. I don’t like worrying about things I can’t do anything about. But I know I can do something now…as long as I have breath.
I may not believe in Heaven anymore (and believe me, I would love to be surprised) but I swear that I will give you all that I have until the day of our departure.
To where…I don’t know.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Regrets & Resolutions
As many of us celebrate the New Year, we mark a transition from one period to another. This is the time of year when countless individuals declare their commitment to keep resolutions that they hope will improve the quality of their lives.
This is a time of reflection when we ask ourselves how we should handle sudden calls for change and how we should navigate the slow process of growth. Will we continue along the path we had set out to explore long ago, or will this moment mark an abrupt shift in direction? It’s also possible that, instead of changing direction, many of us will choose to engage more intensely with the path we are currently traveling.
Over the years, I have noticed a pattern in how I deal with transitions and I can’t say that I am very proud of my record.
For example: When I initially subscribed to a fundamental approach to the Christian faith, I despised and distanced myself from all those who I considered to be either non-believers or “name-only” Christians who didn’t take “the true gospel” and its demands seriously enough; When I became a new seminary student and investigated more liberal approaches to matters of faith, I began to look down with pity upon those ignorant biblical literalists who remained clueless about what the Bible really says and who seem to have given little to no thought to the implications of their beloved faith claims; When I began to study biology and adopted more of a naturalist perspective, I then started to look condescendingly upon those I considered superstitioussupernaturalists. And so the merciless cycle continues.
In 2009, I hope to work on improving the following patterns that I have observed in my behavior. I could have added more, but these were some that really stood out in my mind:
Obsession with novelty. Novelty is a good thing, but sometimes I notice that I rush to too quickly to embrace it- without weighing the consequences or appreciating that which is older; In doing this, I dive head first into the new pursuit with as much zeal and passion as I have used in my earlier ones. I trade one set of certainties for another and devalue the individuals and experiences of my past that have shaped and formed me.
Disassociation with the past. I despise many of those aspects of my past that I consider shameful and therefore find myself severing relational ties and distancing myself from individuals, ideas and influences. Some people naturally grow apart, but with this tendency I find myself trying to speed up the process by making abrupt departures from fellowship. I have seen instances where his tendency has added severe strain to my relationships with others- leaving them with feelings of distrust and confusion.
Fear of conflict. I suspect that I resort to the above behaviors largely because I don’t want to engage in conflict or deal with the discomfort of relating to those who don’t share my changing perspective. I also don’t want to deal with the fact that by sharing my true thoughts as the develop, I may run the risk of hurting or alienating those I care about. With cowardice, I shy away from interpersonal conflict- even when I really think I am on the right side of an issue. I also don’t enjoy arguing or engaging in debates- and this is partly because I have a deep fear that I will embarrass myself by being proven wrong. But what progress can be made without engaging in some form of ideological conflict? What sanity can be maintained without some attempts to resolve such conflict?
It many ways I think it’s healthy to reflect on one’s mistakes and regrets. But ultimately, I have come to realize that I am in the process of becoming. I am capable of so much more, but I am learning to be patient with my personal development- knowing that who I am today is a direct result of who I have been and that even regret can be a powerful impetus for positive change. So I am going to step out and try some new approaches in hopes that they yield better results.
Here’s to life. Here’s to 2009.
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