Coming Out as an Agnostic: Awkward pillow talk

ACT I

SCENE 1:
The master bedroom, 11:53 p.m. on a sub-zero, Midwestern night.
A devout Christian wife and her secretly agnostic husband engage in the type of late-night pillow talk in which one spouse can easily implicate themselves or inadvertently insult their partner because only one of them is alert enough to participate in a coherent conversation. The husband is already asleep in bed. The wife enters the room and begins tinkering with the husband’s fancy iPhone.]

WIFE:
“Oh, you downloaded the Bible onto your iPhone? That’s cool!”

HUSBAND:
[Waking up] “Huh?...Yeah...I just did that today. I’ve been meaning to put it on there, but I never made the time to do it.”

WIFE:
"Cool. How did you get it on there?"

HUSBAND:
"I just downloaded it from the Apps Store onto my phone."

WIFE:
"Good. I was beginning to think you were turning into an atheist."

HUSBAND:
"Really? What made you think that?"
[His eyes open wide with shock without WIFE noticing while he laughs semi-nervously as if to dismiss a ridiculous idea.]

[Insert awkward moment of silence]

WIFE:
"Because I never see you read the Bible anymore. I just haven't said anything but it was really starting to make me nervous."

HUSBAND:
"Don’t worry. I’m not an atheist…"
[In the attempt to be sensitive to the underlying concern behind her statements, he stops abruptly and fights the temptation to volunteer more information…]

[insert second awkward moment of silence]

HUSBAND:
"Would you like to start reading the Bible together? Maybe starting with the Song of Solomon? I know you said that you’ve been wanting for the two of us to read it together. What do you…?

WIFE:
[Interjecting enthusiastically as if relieved] "Yes!...yes…please."

HUSBAND:
"Okay. We'll do that."

[Feeling like he has just half-heartedly committed to something he is not excited about, he then rolls over, turns off the bedside lamp and goes to sleep- somewhat relieved yet fearful of more discomforting conversations to come.]


To be continued…