Regrets & Resolutions

As many of us celebrate the New Year, we mark a transition from one period to another. This is the time of year when countless individuals declare their commitment to keep resolutions that they hope will improve the quality of their lives.

This is a time of reflection when we ask ourselves how we should handle sudden calls for change and how we should navigate the slow process of growth. Will we continue along the path we had set out to explore long ago, or will this moment mark an abrupt shift in direction? It’s also possible that, instead of changing direction, many of us will choose to engage more intensely with the path we are currently traveling.

Over the years, I have noticed a pattern in how I deal with transitions and I can’t say that I am very proud of my record.

For example: When I initially subscribed to a fundamental approach to the Christian faith, I despised and distanced myself from all those who I considered to be either non-believers or “name-only” Christians who didn’t take “the true gospel” and its demands seriously enough; When I became a new seminary student and investigated more liberal approaches to matters of faith, I began to look down with pity upon those ignorant biblical literalists who remained clueless about what the Bible really says and who seem to have given little to no thought to the implications of their beloved faith claims; When I began to study biology and adopted more of a naturalist perspective, I then started to look condescendingly upon those I considered superstitioussupernaturalists. And so the merciless cycle continues.

In 2009, I hope to work on improving the following patterns that I have observed in my behavior. I could have added more, but these were some that really stood out in my mind:

Obsession with novelty. Novelty is a good thing, but sometimes I notice that I rush to too quickly to embrace it- without weighing the consequences or appreciating that which is older; In doing this, I dive head first into the new pursuit with as much zeal and passion as I have used in my earlier ones. I trade one set of certainties for another and devalue the individuals and experiences of my past that have shaped and formed me.

Disassociation with the past. I despise many of those aspects of my past that I consider shameful and therefore find myself severing relational ties and distancing myself from individuals, ideas and influences. Some people naturally grow apart, but with this tendency I find myself trying to speed up the process by making abrupt departures from fellowship. I have seen instances where his tendency has added severe strain to my relationships with others- leaving them with feelings of distrust and confusion.

Fear of conflict. I suspect that I resort to the above behaviors largely because I don’t want to engage in conflict or deal with the discomfort of relating to those who don’t share my changing perspective. I also don’t want to deal with the fact that by sharing my true thoughts as the develop, I may run the risk of hurting or alienating those I care about. With cowardice, I shy away from interpersonal conflict- even when I really think I am on the right side of an issue. I also don’t enjoy arguing or engaging in debates- and this is partly because I have a deep fear that I will embarrass myself by being proven wrong. But what progress can be made without engaging in some form of ideological conflict? What sanity can be maintained without some attempts to resolve such conflict?

It many ways I think it’s healthy to reflect on one’s mistakes and regrets. But ultimately, I have come to realize that I am in the process of becoming. I am capable of so much more, but I am learning to be patient with my personal development- knowing that who I am today is a direct result of who I have been and that even regret can be a powerful impetus for positive change. So I am going to step out and try some new approaches in hopes that they yield better results.

Here’s to life. Here’s to 2009.