Allow me to explain why I haven’t blogged in a while. Lately, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and reflecting on my next step in life. But there have also been some really good developments lately.
Career wise: I was recently asked to do some freelance writing for my seminary’s alumni magazine (Hey, it’s a start). This is actually my first paid freelance assignment and I am excited about the thought of a career in writing. So far I have written six articles for them. I’ve also been able to secure quite a bit of media exposure for my church and the ministries that I am somewhat connected to.
Family wise: My grandfather is recovering well from the stroke he had back in May. Also, next week I’ll be helping my younger brother move to Cleveland to live with our mother (who has been clean and sober for the past two years).
I would classify all the above as good things. But the creative energy of my mind has been drained by the following issues:
- Wondering how I fit in my church and in my Christian band when my future with both hinges on how we deal with the fact that my current views about God, Jesus and the Bible are quite different from the majority of members.
- Articulating a written credo to clarify my convictions for both for myself and for those closest to me.
- Wondering if I will have sufficient availability and finances to continue my seminary studies this semester.
- Wondering if the cost of my education is worth the emotional and financial tension it is causing to some of my friends and family members.
- Wondering what career I should pursue considering my interests and abilities (journalism, writing, cartooning, ministry, teaching, travelling artist, etc.)
- Figuring out a plan to move from full-time employee to full-time student by January 2008.
- Trying to balance all of my commitments while also starting back on sketching illustrations and producing artwork.
- Wrestling with the theological and philosophical questions and doubts that constantly invade my thoughts.
- The fact that I haven’t really prayed (or believed in the power of prayer) in months.
Right now, these are the things which worry and overwhelm my mind (although I know Jesus said "don't worry"). But I also can’t help but wonder how different (and pathetic) my list must look compared the burdens that others carry as they try to struggle under the threat of death, sickness, war, poverty and abuse. My concerns must seem trifling compared to theirs, but this is honestly where I am and what I am wrestling with. If my creative energies are being misdirected then I hope that I will grow to focus on issues and causes that are more worthy of my attention. Until then I press on and work with what is before me.
Be encouraged my brother. I think you've made some progress. Getting the freelance gig seems like a good fit for you in the long run. It's also good that you've been able to lend your talents to the ministries you're involved in.
ReplyDeleteIt's also great to hear about your Mum and Grandpa. Definitely encouraging.
I believe you will find an answer to all the questions you have as long as you follow your heart and stay true to yourself. It's always rough. I don't pray as much as I used to. I take action more than I used to though, and that somehow seems to take as much spiritual energy as prayer does. I'm beginning to think that prayer can come in different forms. When you are working towards something you are effectively sacrificing. I feel the work is almost like sacrificial prayer. I don't know if that makes sense or not.
I've been contemplating how to be truly salt in this world and be of benefit to others outside the framework of the "Church" and at the same time aligning what I do with my passions. At this point I feel that is the only way that I will ever be able to fully devote my heart and self to anything. Whatever I do, I have to have passion and love for it and the people affected by it.
Encouraging thing is that the harder it gets the clearer things become. You begin to know what to keep and what to leave behind.
I pray God continues to show you the way He would like you to go.
God Bless,