Breadcrumbs

Like the age-old bedtime story of Hansel and Gretel, I set out from home to explore and find a new way of understanding the world around me with the full intention of returning back to where I started with new insight. But I have since lost track of (and lost trust in) those “breadcrumbs” that originally marked my path. In other words, I am far from where I started. Comparing my earlier convictions to my views now, I probably wouldn’t recognize myself and would likely have opposed the person I've become.

Realizing this, I have no doubt that my friends and loved ones would mourn if I actually engaged in an honest and transparent theological and philosophical discussion with them, showing them that- in many ways- I am no longer the same person they once knew. I still retain a fear that such unbridled honesty would wreak havoc on those relationships; so, instead of giving full disclosure to them, I triangulate my deepest thoughts here on this blog- before a crowd that I cannot see; before an audience that may never respond. Writing here helps my sanity by giving me a safe-space to clarify my thoughts, but it also widens the distance between myself and those who are closest to me; those with whom I am afraid to share these thoughts.

They would likely mourn my departure from being a confident and apologetic believer and weep at my development into the hopeful, open-minded, skeptical and somewhat cynical man I am now. If they only knew how far I have come, I imagine my friends and family members would be concerned for my spiritual health and would want to know how I arrived at this stage of my journey.

As a matter of fact, I recall one friend’s inquiry when I shared with him one of my seminary essays that partially explained my view of the Bible’s authority in light of the latest scientific, historical and archeological evidence. He asked me, “So exactly when did you start to question the Bible’s authority and inerrancy?” I gave an answer about how, in my pre-seminary days, I began to find it increasingly difficult to reconcile the Bible's creation stories with modern scientific theories. I also told him how I noticed many passages in the New Testament contained conflicting understandings of Jesus' identity, essence and message. I answered quickly, but when I took time to reflect on the conversation, I realized that my start on this path had a variety of causes.

Many factors contributed to the adventure I have chosen for myself, including my life experiences, my personality, my art, my family, my schools, my friendships, my jobs, my relationships with others, my interests, my fears, my hopes, my influences, and my mistakes all played their parts in this epic of my life. Knowing this, I believe that even if someone else could read what I’ve read, experience what I’ve experienced, and walk where I’ve walked, they would probably come out with a different adventure- perhaps even a contrasting path to my own.

I imagine my friends and family would ask me what motivated me to stay on this course and what did I find on this path that disenchanted me from my former way of living? What kind of “breadcrumbs” could I leave to escort them from my former line of thinking to my current one?

To be honest, I wouldn’t know where to start at explaining my journey thus far. I wouldn't recommend it for everyone- I would only suggest it for those who invite such experiences. It has been a rapidly moving process and I have arrived here after long hours and dark nights of mental and psychological struggle. But I do know that once I opened myself up to raising critical questions about my former beliefs, the doubt and skepticism began to pour forth unremittingly (I recall that Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. had a similar experience when he began his religious studies in college). While this path is difficult, I still feel a sense of purpose. I have hope that something life-giving will emerge from this time of exploration and restructuring.

I originally began this task in order to discover what was really “essential” to the Christian faith. I wanted to use the machete of rational inquiry to clear the foliage of superstition from my world view in order to expose the hard truths about reality that I felt were so necessary to my understanding of the universe and my place in it. I believed that truth should be able to withstand rational inquiry. I thought that if the Christian religion was worth anything, its claims should be able to hold their own in dialogue with life's harshest realities and most daunting complexities.

At the time, some things I was taught as being crucial to the Christian faith didn’t sit well with me (not saying wisdom has to sit well in order to be true) and I wanted to pursue my suspicions and see if I had a case worth investigating. I had always been interested in the perspectives of other cultures, I had always felt I could learn from anyone, and I had also noticed that science and religion seemed to tell different stories about the world around us and within us. So I entered seminary to explore those aspects of my faith and the way religion has been understood and lived throughout history.

Years ago, I used to have some of the questions I am now pursuing in seminary, but once I became active in church life I began to stifle, suppress and protect myself from those questions and any triggers that would evoke suspicion towards my trusted authorities. If life presented a complexity beyond my understanding, I would default to my faith and my commitment to the idea of the Bible being an absolute authority for any and all questions.

But I didn’t like what I was becoming. I felt I was becoming close-minded, unloving and rigidly dogmatic. I felt trapped in a dualistic view of the world that simplified life into categories of "us" and "them," good and evil, "saved" and damned. I also felt that the Christianity I was being taught was too insular and otherworldly in its focus, too convinced of its claims, and too reactive in its involvement with the non-Christian world. I felt like this form of Christianity was ignoring a worthwhile world that existed outside of its stained-glass windows.

I wanted to know more about the interconnected world out there full of broken people, good intentions, corruption, common ground, mystery, exploitation, horrific cruelty, ecstasy, tragedy, humility, destruction, and profound wisdom. I knew there was an entire universe of experience waiting to be met with awe, wonder, compassion, service, grace and honesty.

This yearning to connect with ultimate reality continues to drive my scholarship. I am still committed to the pursuit of truth and understanding with the conviction that I must endure this stage of destruction in order to arrive at a place where I can function with the freedom to serve and live fully on the Earth.

May these words serve as the “breadcrumbs” for those who come looking for who I really am. May they also feed, if only for a moment, those continuing on the path to discovering who they really are.