Dear God,
Pardon me for the ramblings, but I thought it best to reach out to You through the form of a letter since I seem to think best when I am writing. As You may know, It’s been nearly two years since we last talked; and when I say talk, I mean it’s been two years since I tried to communicate with You through the form of a heartfelt prayer.
In that span of two years, prayer took on a whole new meaning for me- more akin to an active meditation on those persons and things that I want to keep at the forefront of my attention than any appeal for your intervention. I have “prayed” (as most would understand the term) only on those rare occasions where I felt compelled by the social pressure to conform. In such times, I have concluded my wishful appeals with rote phrases like “these things we ask in Jesus’ name” mainly because they were the expected norms in my social circles- not because I believed that any such phrase would make any difference in the outcome. To me, such phrases have become hollow and such appeals have become pointless.
The only value I find in prayer- besides serving as an opportunity to focus one's mind on matters of value and importance- is that it enables one to hear the deepest concerns of their fellow human beings; heartfelt concerns that they may never share if they did not believe that You were somehow listening and willing to help.
Over the past few years, I noticed that those rare mornings when I woke up not believing became more frequent and I gradually became more comfortable with the idea that You may not be “present” in any way that makes a significant difference in the lives of humans. Some have said that You are a mysterious, invisible, inactive and silent entity that might as well be nonexistent. And, to be honest, it’s hard for me not to agree with them.
But I remain hesitant to proclaim this publicly for dread that my current views may be the expression of some sort of immature and rebellious phase instead of any sort of insightful wisdom. I hope this is not the case, but I have not ruled out the possibility that I may one day regret these very words which I now write to You.
I am fully aware that these very musings may one day prove to be the seeds of my liberation or the evidence of my condemnation. Yet I fear being wrong on such an important matter far more than I fear any idea of Hell. But I risk being wrong and embark on this scary and uncertain path because, as far as I know, we only have one life to live and I don’t want to waste my energies on a vain pursuit.
God, if you are there, and if you care to answer, then I ask you to please make yourself known to me. I ask for a clear and direct sign because I don't want to play mindgames on myself. I ask, because I take the idea of You seriously. I will try to be patient and wait for your answer. How long? I'm not sure. But, I fear that if you fail to respond, I may take your silence as all the proof I need to continue on my path towards the ever-elusive, iconoclastic and liberating thing we call truth.
With all due respect,
Me
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Hello there. I found your post through Maurice Broaddus's blog. I know your post didn't mean you were fishing for advice (nor do I feel qualified to writer about this subject as an expert).
ReplyDeleteI can tell you what has worked for me, though. I earnestly believe that God does not make too hard terms for those who seek God. I find it easiest to connect with God during moments of silence. Meditation (something I learned during a few years as a practicing Buddhist) still serves me well as a Christian.
Here's one specific way to meditate I found very helpful.
As I breathed in, I thought to myself "Not self" (to be mindful that whatever God is, it is not me -- not my ego). As I breath out, perhaps I counted my breaths.
Just a few thoughts. Your mileage may vary.